by Kristyna Larch, Law Offices of Michael W. Bugni & Associates

It’s often small things that lead to co-parenting arguments in the days, weeks and months following a separation or divorce. And just as often, it’s a small gesture, a genuine thank you in a difficult moment, that can help us heal.

Amid busy lives, two separating parties, we’ll call them Carla and John, argued over transportation arrangements for their children. Carla faced a work deadline that would make it virtually impossible for her to transport the children on her scheduled day. She approached John for help, but when they began to argue, John grew angry, and Carla felt disappointed, annoyed, and unsupported.

Carla wanted to hear that John was willing to help and to be reassured that transporting the children was off her plate and the children would be taken care of. Yet when John responded, Carla did not hear willingness or a promise to help.

John, on the other hand, knew that he would help but needed time to process the request as it impacted his own difficult schedule. In the moment, however, neither expressed their needs (for example, for time and space to consider the request, or a reassurance that they would figure the situation out). They each “reacted,” failing to give the other the support or space they needed.

In the morning when John came to transport the children, Carla gave a perfunctory “thanks” out of habit. Carla did not really feel that “thank you” was needed. She believed that John was doing what she does all the time — pinch hit. She wasn’t feeling appreciative.

After Carla’s deadline passed that day, bringing her a sense of relief and renewed spaciousness, she found herself feeling grateful to John as her co-parent, but then began to let it go and move on with her day. Fortunately, instead of letting it go, Carla picked up the phone and called John. When John answered, Carla said “thank you” with the words conveying her sense of appreciation. She was present in the giving of the thanks. John exhaled. Carla sensed a release of tension on the other end of the phone. In that moment, in Carla’s brief offering of thanks, the damage to their co-parenting relationship was healed.